Halp!

Introducing Entertainer #23, those familiar with the biographies may have noticed that doreen has been mentioned before … She is now a fully fledged entertainer of her own, I present …

Doreen, Sadistic Childrens Presenter

“Although she flirted briefly with phobia therapy, Doreen had so paltry a tolerance for nearly everything that early on in her tortured life she realised that not only was she not interested in other people’s problems, she quite enjoyed being the perpetrator of them. She attributed this predilection for savagery to her piano accordion teacher and his incessant need to teach her polkas and waltzes, when she dearly longed to immerse her creative self in something more contemporary, which in itself is a life lesson to all well meaning but disconnected music teachers everywhere. Her acerbic wit and almost complete lack of charm facilitated her loathing and disgust for her peers and by the time she graduated from secondary school, she had no friends, severe dress sense, unique coiffure, all wrapped up in ferocious and barely functional social skills and almost lethal halitosis. It took nearly nothing to irritate Doreen, indeed proximity was enough of an affront and few could escape her cruel and unpleasant demeanour, so naturally she fell into a career in early childhood development and care.

Her uncanny, some would say unnatural ability to make even the toughest toddler cry immediately brought her to the attention of leading talent scouts who, after legally being required to abandon guest star roles in “super nanny” and “so you think you have talent” reality television shows decided something more “live” was a sure winner. The premise of the stage show was simple – invite parents to allow their toddlers up on stage to be “tamed” by Miss Doreen live, in person, unrehearsed and without signing public indemnity. – an act that lasted less than a week and which was closed by Fountain Plaza’s only recorded public riot. In a subsequent court case, the judge ruled that little Timmy Stapleton may never fully recover from the graphic evisceration of his favourite toy, Mr Ted, but was unable to prosecute due to a lack of reliable or mentally stable witnesses. Doreen went on to rise through the ranks, settling on a career as Deputy Principal at a large inner-city secondary school, a position she was imminently qualified for.” – biography by wonko

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About aA

I'm a 28 year old Designer from Brisbane, Australia. I've got a keen interest in Motion Graphics, Illustration, and Game Design. View all posts by aA

5 responses to “Halp!

  • Max

    I wouldn’t get too self concious about it wonko, I personally think it’s one of the best ones so far. This bit in particular had me loling:

    “It took nearly nothing to irritate Doreen, indeed proximity was enough of an affront and few could escape her cruel and unpleasant demeanour, so naturally she fell into a career in early childhood development and care.”

  • wonko

    wow, there is so much personal baggage in this bio, sorry. For those who are reading, the traumatised piano accordianist is actually fact (as a teen, that happened to me, and yes it was waltzes and polkas whilst i was deepest in my punk phase, which goes some way to explain why I am so screwed up as an adult), and I could not resist the whole career in education mullarky, fun (and a little cathartic) to write, hope it passes the audition :P

  • a|A

    The loudness of clapping is never called into question when entertaining is involved.

  • Max

    Bravo! *claps too loudly*

  • wonko

    Although she flirted briefly with phobia therapy, Doreen had so paltry a tolerance for nearly everything that early on in her tortured life she realised that not only was she not interested in other people’s problems, she quite enjoyed being the perpetrator of them. She attributed this predilection for savagery to her piano accordion teacher and his incessant need to teach her polkas and waltzes, when she dearly longed to immerse her creative self in something more contemporary, which in itself is a life lesson to all well meaning but disconnected music teachers everywhere. Her acerbic wit and almost complete lack of charm facilitated her loathing and disgust for her peers and by the time she graduated from secondary school, she had no friends, severe dress sense, unique coiffure, all wrapped up in ferocious and barely functional social skills and almost lethal halitosis. It took nearly nothing to irritate Doreen, indeed proximity was enough of an affront and few could escape her cruel and unpleasant demeanour, so naturally she fell into a career in early childhood development and care.

    Her uncanny, some would say unnatural ability to make even the toughest toddler cry immediately brought her to the attention of leading talent scouts who, after legally being required to abandon guest star roles in “super nanny” and “so you think you have talent” reality television shows decided something more “live” was a sure winner. The premise of the stage show was simple – invite parents to allow their toddlers up on stage to be “tamed” by Miss Doreen live, in person, unrehearsed and without signing public indemnity. – an act that lasted less than a week and which was closed by Fountain Plaza’s only recorded public riot. In a subsequent court case, the judge ruled that little Timmy Stapleton may never fully recover from the graphic evisceration of his favourite toy, Mr Ted, but was unable to prosecute due to a lack of reliable or mentally stable witnesses. Doreen went on to rise through the ranks, settling on a career as Deputy Principal at a large inner-city secondary school, a position she was imminently qualified for.

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